I’m pretty sad today. I am having sad thoughts and I can’t make them go away no matter what skills I use it seems.
I’m mostly sad because A, I haven’t lost any weight for like 3 weeks, and B, I’m starting to realize that I’m pretty much the only one who initiates sex between Jeff and me. I can count on one hand since we got back together how often he has initiated it. In a way, I worry that he is just humoring me. I don’t know. Maybe he doesn’t enjoy it as much as he used the because he isn’t in the infatuation stage with me anymore. Maybe he is not as attracted to me as he was before since I am heavier from when he first met me. I know he likes skinny girls (not like anorexic). I was skinny. I was a size 2. I want to get back there so badly. I’m a size 8 now and I have plateaued. It is SO FRUSTRATING. Still, my tummy appears flatter. Do maybe the weight has redistributed itself.
I want to talk to him so badly about this, but all it would do is make him feel bad.
A post from Tara Brach—the queen of radical acceptance.
It’s Getting Easier
I’ve noticed I’ve felt more normal than I have in a long time. I know “normal” isn’t exactly a very descriptive word, but let’s say I’ve been hating myself a lot less. I’m still not satisfied with the person I am and I wish I had more passion and motivation in my life than I do right now, but I suppose that takes work. I suppose I’m a work in progress…just like everyone else. I’m able to actually semi-coach Jeff when he’s distressed too. That’s something I’ve never been particularly successful at before. Of course, it’s harder to coach myself, but usually when I need to coach myself, I’m dysregulated and therefore it is harder to see things from a neutral perspective.
I don’t think it’s any coincidence that I’ve been better off. I’ve also been practicing mindfulness at least once a day. Usually it’s in the form of breathing exercises. I think I will try coloring tonight. :-)
The thing is, I’m actually starting to WANT to practice mindfulness. That’s new. I’ve never particularly wanted to practice mindfulness before despite the fact that I’ve almost always felt better afterward. But I’ve started practicing mindfulness when I’m doing just fine and am not in the need for distress tolerance. Because of this, I think I have made my distress threshold lower so that when it goes up, I’m not as dysregulated. That’s what my therapist said would happen, and she was right.
I have to say that I’m enjoying not being the “stressed out one” or the “crazy one” in the relationship. Jeff is the distressed one now. And I’m not saying I’m happy he is the distressed one. I wish he wasn’t. I don’t like seeing him upset. Seeing him upset makes me sad because I love him. But I AM happy that I’m not the one who is upset all the time now. I’m proud of how much progress I have made. It has taken me about 2 years of treatment, but I think I have come a long way. As of March, I will have been with my recent therapist for a year now and we are going to start talking about goals and where we want the therapy to go from here.
Despite the fact that I don’t have much direction in my life at this point, I am happy that I can react to situations like an adult and not lose my cool right away.
Anyway, I’m off to the gym. What has really been bugging me lately is that I haven’t been able to lose weight recently. I think I’ve hit a plateau and it’s SO ANNOYING!!!! UGH!!!
I keep having to remind myself that it isn’t forever and that the weight will eventually come off.
So my mindful breathing exercise was supposed to make me relax and be sleepy. But it did just the opposite. Now I’m anxious and to top things off, I have to stay up now because I stupidly plugged my iPhone into my computer and now it’s doing this update thing and it says it’s going to take 2 hours!! ARGH!! I have to be up at 7! This is bullshit!
I don’t know why I’m so stressed out. Well, partly, I’ve stopped losing weight. I think I’ve plateaued again and on top of that, I think I might be bloating because I’m PMSing. I don’t know…I know I shouldn’t weigh myself before my period, but I do it anyway. I don’t know why. All it does is upset me.
Of course, my mind goes to the irrational fear of “Oh my god, what if I CAN’T lose weight anymore? What if I’m stuck at this weight???”
Before you all judge me, I am losing weight for health reasons and to fit into my old clothes again. I’m not anorexic. I went on Abilify about a year or two ago and I gained 70 lbs. I have lost 45 lbs as of now, but I still have a ways to go before I can fit into my old clothes. Not that I have to justify this to anyone, but that’s all I want.
It’s just maddening because I’m just STARTING to fit into a few of the clothes I got when I was GETTING bigger. So I’m not in the “old clothes” range yet…but I’m getting there. But I’m STUCK in a plateau now and I am worried now that I’m going to be fat the rest of my life. I’m so depressed.
10 Steps to Self Care
1. If it feels wrong, don’t do it.
2. Say “exactly” what you mean.
3. Don’t be a people pleaser.
4. Trust your instincts.
5. Never speak badly about yourself.
6. Never give up on your dreams.
7. Don’t be afraid to say “no”.
8. Don’t be afraid to say “yes”.
9. Resist the need to always have control.
10. Stay away from drama and negativity – as much as possible.
Source: Lessons Learned in Life
Mindfulness helps us get better at seeing the difference between what’s happening and the stories we tell ourselves about what’s happening, stories that get in the way of direct experience. Often such stories treat a fleeting state of mind as if it were our entire and permanent self.