Maddened by the Stars

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Today

Today was one of the worst and weirdest experiences I have had living in this house.  I cycled between being suicidally depressed and completely fine…like a jolt of lightning.  Pretty much all freaking night.  I would be sobbing hysterically and then busily working away in my study cleaning and organizing things around the house.  I think this is largely due to the fact that I am on my period (even though I have not had PMS symptoms like this in a LONG time) and because my psychiatrist is switching my meds and I am currently in transition to the new stuff.  I really hope the new stuff works, because if this is it, I CANNOT stay on this.  I’m not even at the full dosage yet though.  I should call my doctor tomorrow and explain what’s going on.

I was really unproductive all day and feeling sorry for myself because I had eaten badly all week.  According to the scale, I was 10 lbs up (which I don’t think is actually possible to gain 10 lbs of FAT in one week).  But still.  I have been feeling ugly all night despite the fact that my clothes don’t fit any differently.

I also feel like a complete waste of space because I can’t get a job.  I have a college degree in music and nothing to show for it.  I currently have no passion in my life.  I know what I would love to do for a career and it’s COMPLETELY unrealistic.  I would love to be a burlesque dancer.  Not gonna happen.  No money in it.  Even as a hobby it’s unrealistic.  I should be concentrating on shit that can actually get me a paying job.  I’m just so tired of feeling ashamed.

Yet somehow while cycling and being insane (judgment), I managed to get a SHIT TON of work done.  I’m still currently cycling.  I feel high at the moment for some reason.  Like I’m getting brain zaps.  This can’t be normal.  I’m feeling anxious again.  I was feeling REALLY anxious before and I took a Gabapentin.  That seemed to help.  Maybe I should take another one.

Anyway, I later began to reconsider going into stripping for a job.  I heard you can make a lot of money doing that and I don’t give a shit if people see me topless or naked.  Probably half the Valley has anyway.  Anyway, thoughts thoughts thoughts thoughts thoughts.  I hope to be productive tomorrow.  More productive.  I’m so tired of being useless and just taking up space.

Filed under brain zaps anti-depressant anti-depressants normal? depression cycling mania productive bpd

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So it looks like I will be starting a new anti-depressant. I actually liked Viibryd. But lately my mood, as my psychiatrist has pointed out, is stable…I’m just down and depressed. He said this one was newer than Viibryd and he thinks it actually works better. Same minimal side effects of Viibryd as well. He said it is a new wave of SSRIs with little or no side effects.

So it looks like I will be starting a new anti-depressant. I actually liked Viibryd. But lately my mood, as my psychiatrist has pointed out, is stable…I’m just down and depressed. He said this one was newer than Viibryd and he thinks it actually works better. Same minimal side effects of Viibryd as well. He said it is a new wave of SSRIs with little or no side effects.

Filed under SSRI SSRIs anti-depressants anti-depressant psychiatrist medication new medication Brintellix side effects no side effects depression sadness loneliness feeling all alone

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I’m feeling particularly down and depressed today.  I’ve been thinking more and more about my relationship with Jeff and I’m beginning to think that moving in with him was a horrible mistake.  Overall, I’m not enjoying being in a relationship with him.  I need to be honest with myself about this.  A lot of my previous entries are about how unhappy I am or how unhappy I’ve made him and how unhappy I’ve felt because of what he said to me.  The truth of the matter is that I have never been in a relationship with someone before who has made me hate myself as much as Jeff has.  That CAN’T be a good sign.  So either I have to get a “thicker skin” through skill use and (like my previous entry said), realize that a lot of the judgment he has about me is more about his lack of coping skills than it actually is about me, or I need to end the relationship.  Because I can’t honestly see him changing his thought process and his behavior to the point where I will be happy most of the time.

Of course, what complicates this whole thing is that we signed a 2 year lease.  What a mistake!  Well, it was a leap of faith this whole time I guess.  I guess we just thought it would work out because of how much we loved each other.  I’m just starting to discover that a relationship doesn’t have to be loveless to be toxic.  Deep down, we are both wonderful people.  Sure, we have our issues, but everyone does.  I’m beginning to wonder if I am in a toxic relationship.  We just confirmed that at some points, both of our actions have made each other have suicidal ideation at some point or another.  That is NOT A GOOD SIGN.  I don’t know what to do.  I don’t want to break up.  I also don’t want to break the lease and leave Jeff homeless.  That’s unfair to him.

The truth of the matter is that we aren’t typically compatible people.  Jeff explained to me that that doesn’t mean we can’t make it work.  It will just take more work.  The thing is though that I can tell that he is really trying and I am really trying too.  At times, I really think we are going to work out.  But when he freaks out on me or gets really angry at me for (in my opinion) no good reason, I begin to think about how tired I am of trying and not seeing results.  I don’t know what I should expect.  But I feel like my efforts a lot of the time go unnoticed and that all he sees are my screw-ups.  Mind you, I don’t expect to be praised every time I get something right.  That’s condescending and patronizing.  But I would like to feel SOMEWHAT appreciated.  He would be horrified to know that I don’t feel appreciated a lot of the time.

I have told him that he frequently makes me feel unloved and he apologized and he said that he wasn’t really good at that but he is trying.  It’s a mystery to me.  How can you not show love to a person you feel love towards?  How can you not want to hug a person or kiss a person that you love?  It’s a mystery to me.  Whatever.  As long as he is trying I suppose.  He has this way of making me feel worthless when he is mad at me though.  I feel like giving up sometimes.  Especially today for some reason.  All I know is that I don’t want to be made to feel worthless by someone I am in a relationship with.  I don’t want to be made to feel stupid.  And that’s how I’m feeling now.  I’m so sad I am going to cry now.

Filed under worthless I'm worthless I'm a failure I'm stupid I have no talent I'm useless I'm ugly unloved feeling unloved toxic toxic relationship pointless

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My love is anxious

I’m coming more and more to the realization that I am not the only “mentally ill” one in this relationship. He has severe anxiety, depression and has even admitted to me that although it is much better than it used to be, he has OCD. I don’t know why the hell I didn’t see it before. Probably because he didn’t do the “hand washing” we usually see in movies. He said he did that when he was at university though.

A lot of his harshness and judgment comes from a place of dysregulated emotions. Now that doesn’t make it ok to be horrible to someone, but I can now look upon it at least a little, with compassion. I know that even though he may seem to think it is, and at times, I think it is, but in reality, it DOESN’T have anything to do with me some of the time.

What do you do in a relationship when both of you are sick?

Filed under mentally ill ocd mental illness depression anxiety help judgment love relationships