Maddened by the Stars

Wow…I don’t understand it when people “LIKE MY POSTS” in which I am saying “I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF.”  Like I need more fucking encouragement.  THANK YOU.  Seriously, unless you post a comment along with that “like” explaining why you like my post, I am going to assume you agree with the way I am feeling and think I should end my life.  I am in a slightly better state of mind now as I write this…but I will definitely be back there in the near future because I am going through one of the worst times of self-hatred I have ever gone through in my life.  I haven’t felt this much ideation for a year now…and I’m getting it again.

I guess I am coming to Tumblr to vent and explain my situation for people who actually MIGHT be concerned that a girl with BPD and chronic depression is seriously considering committing suicide.  Maybe I want someone to talk me out of it.  Because, frankly, it’s like calling a suicide hotline.  If I was going to do it, I wouldn’t tell anyone. 

When I am suicidal again though, I am going to go back and read how many people “LIKE” my posts about my plans for committing suicide.  PLANS.  As in, I know what pills I am going to take and when exactly I am going to take them.

Seriously though, if people are liking my posts with my suicidal plans, does that mean they want me to kill myself or they support the way I’m feeling as sane?  I can tell a troll to go fuck themselves, but if someone is actually liking the way I am feeling, then that really upsets me.  Without an explanation like “I understand how you feel,” to me it says, “Do it.”

I just don’t know…

Like I said, I’m feeling better now, but I will be suicidal again because of how I’ve been feeling.  I’ve been keeping my therapist posted on most stuff but I haven’t told her about my plans if certain events that I dread take place.  I’m beginning to think more and more that it’s a good idea…

Haven’t quite decided which pills I’m going to take. I just want it to get the job done. I have Dexedrine for my ADD and I have Lamictal for my mood swings and depression. I read that both of those drugs have fatal overdoses. Maybe I will take both. They’re on standby at least. If I find out that I have lost Jeff’s job, I will kill myself. I can’t live with myself. Not a constant disappointment and now a livelihood killer. I just can’t.

I think I may have just cost Jeff his job.  I was helping him with his work for a while and I guess I slacked off a bit and he got chastised (it’s internet based, so they don’t know it’s me working).  It’s just built up stuff and now he’s worried he is going to lose his job.  He has not received another project yet and it is the beginning of the week.  I can’t believe I did this.  I can’t believe I did this to a person I love.  If I did cost him his job, I WILL KILL MYSELF.

I don’t care if it’s selfish.  I just don’t deserve to live.  I’ve killed him.  I’ve killed his livelihood.  We are supposed to be moving in together to a new place and we have doubled the rent.  And I have probably lost him his job.  I am a shitty rotten girlfriend who deserves to die.

I just can’t live with myself right now.  I can’t believe I did this to a person I love.  I can’t believe it.  I’m a horrible person.

advice from a 32-year-old BPD sufferer: you are valuable. your happiness is important. no other person or their regard is worth feeling so horrible over. don't waste your energy pouring it into other people if it means you are giving them the power to ruin you. invest in yourself and win your own approval. don't make rash decisions. it feels like this will never go away. it will. it's unimaginable, but it will. treat yourself right, put yourself first. you deserve to have a good life.

I sometimes hate myself so much that I think I don’t deserve to have a good life. Deep down, I know you’re right. I am letting my Emotion Mind take over and I need to prevent that as much as I can. Thank you so much.

Hi sweetheart, I just started a new help blog. I came across your post about you needing a friend. If you ever need a thing or need to rant, I'm always here for you. Don't be afraid to talk to me. :)

Thank you so much. I will start following you.

Reblog if it’s okay to start talking to you.

I need someone to talk to. I am just so wretchedly upset and beside myself. I feel lost and like I’m a loser. It’s silly to want reassurance from strangers, but that’s all I have right now. I don’t really have any friends. Please, if you need more info as to what’s going on, read my previous entries. I just need advise. I’m so sad. Help. Please.

I guess I’m stupid. I don’t get things when Jeff explains them to me. I either space out or I just don’t comprehend it. I hate it. He makes me feel so stupid and I know he thinks I am. Other people don’t think I’m stupid so why does he? I’m so sad and ashamed.

I would like one day please where Jeff doesn’t get angry or frustrated with me. Or when he doesn’t think I’m stupid. As far as he’s concerned, he probably only wants me because I’m attractive to him and because I’m nice. I want to be smart, DAMMIT!! What’s wrong with me!?!?!

As far as I’m concerned, the only thing I’m good at is sex and kindness. I hate that those are my only merits. I have to ask. Is kindness a skill?

Hi Lydia! I never talked to you, so I don't really know what to write, but I can offer all I have, my keyboard and time, so you can write to me anytime. I read about borderline and I know that's probably really hard to live with, but I really believe that this not define you even if makes your life heavier like my problems with stress and anxiety makes mine. No matter how fucked up our lives seems to be I believe that maybe around the corner is happiness hidden, even if it's hard to believe.

Wow. That was really sweet. Thank you. I won’t pretend that living with BPD isn’t hard. It is. I’m just learning self-compassion now. I have gotten into the habit of self-punishment when I fuck up. Research shows that self-compassion is actually more effective when learning new things. It’s really hard to break a habit I’ve had for so long. Especially because often I feel like I “don’t deserve” compassion because I’m such an awful person. Anyway, thank you for your kind words.

Hey I'm here for you. You doing okay?

I’m doing a little better, thank you. I’m sad today and humiliated because yet again, my boyfriend is frustrated with me for being slow and stupid. I’m also stressed because I have a final exam on Monday and work to do for my job. Lol. But other than that, I’m fine. Thank you for asking and thank you for being supportive. It means more to me than you know.