Maddened by the Stars

I think I give up. I make him angry without even trying. I ruined his birthday.

I wish Jeff was more interested in sex. It sucks. In a way, it is great dating an older guy because he is more mature than a lot of younger guys. My therapist says though that even though his “plumbing” may still work just fine, guys lose interest in sex as they get older. Gah! And women’s sex drive increases with age. That explains a lot for me. Lol. So annoying!!!!!!

Maybe I should be with someone who doesn’t feel like I humiliate them. And maybe I should be with someone who is more relaxed.


I told him that I didn’t know if I could give him what he requires. I maintained I could do my best, but I cannot guarantee. And that’s where I think we may part ways. He will read it as not being committed. I just don’t know what to do. It’s like I’m a detriment to his social standing.

So the relationship is on thin ice thanks to me. I honestly don’t know what to do and neither does he. I asked him what he wanted. If he wanted to continue. He said he would love to but he didn’t know what to do.

He told me to think about it. I don’t know what to do either. I just want to fucking die. I make him miserable often. I can’t help but feel he would be happier with someone else.

Correction does much, but encouragement does more.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (via dancing-dragonfly)


Just a reminder that while positivity is a great tool it is not healthy to:

  • repress negative thoughts/feelings 
  • feel guilty for having negative thoughts/feelings
  • feel that you can’t express negative thoughts/feelings 

Negative emotions are a part of life, and a truly balanced cognitive strategy will accept this (while working to change the balance of good to bad and teaching you coping strategies/self care/distraction etc)

I’m sick of it. Every day, it’s something. Not good enough incompetent stupid not good enough. Why can’t you just do it right!?!?

Well you know what? I’m trying. Maybe if all your previous girlfriends made fewer mistakes than I do, then maybe you should go date someone else. Clearly, I’m not the right person for you. FUCK YOU. I’m trying my best. THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME FEEL LIKE I DON’T DESERVE TO BE WITH YOU OR BE LOVED. I love it. Seriously. Oh, and by the way, I may be spacey and shit. But I guarantee you. You won’t find anyone as good as I am in other ways. You won’t find someone as kind and compassionate and yet as beautiful as I am. Yes! I think I’m pretty now! I’ve worked hard for this body and I’m proud of it.

Even so. You won’t find someone as kind and loving and patient as I am.

Oh, and I don’t fucking appreciate how you are talking with your friends and acting like everything is perfectly fine and meanwhile, you’ve broken my heart AGAIN. I’ve got news for you. If you say you’re going to break up with me. Even if you don’t mean it. We are done. I will not be played like that. No second chances. I’ve given you PLENTY of second chances. I’ve been MORE than understanding. More understanding than YOU would have been in my position, I might add.

You are in a razor point now, Jeff. If you don’t address this soon or if you fuck with me, I’m gone.