Maddened by the Stars

I can never get close to anyone.  Even if I try.  They all pull away, uninterested.   Like I am an interesting looking plant.  A chore someone has been meaning to get to but can’t find the energy to do it.

There are a few people I am close with.  And those people hurt me.  They hurt me the most.  So why the hell would I want to get close to people in the first place?

Because we are herd animals I suppose.  I just want to stop hurting and start feeling loved.  Neither is happening right now.

So there is this app I found on the iPhone. Not sure if Android has it. It is a mindfulness app. You basically set time intervals and it reminds you to be mindful. Sometimes you can even do mindfulness exercises it provides you with and it does check-ins as well (checking in with your feelings and your physical sensations). It’s really cool. I recently started doing it more and I’ve already noticed a difference.

I think I give up. I make him angry without even trying. I ruined his birthday.

I wish Jeff was more interested in sex. It sucks. In a way, it is great dating an older guy because he is more mature than a lot of younger guys. My therapist says though that even though his “plumbing” may still work just fine, guys lose interest in sex as they get older. Gah! And women’s sex drive increases with age. That explains a lot for me. Lol. So annoying!!!!!!

Maybe I should be with someone who doesn’t feel like I humiliate them. And maybe I should be with someone who is more relaxed.

Seriously.

I told him that I didn’t know if I could give him what he requires. I maintained I could do my best, but I cannot guarantee. And that’s where I think we may part ways. He will read it as not being committed. I just don’t know what to do. It’s like I’m a detriment to his social standing.

So the relationship is on thin ice thanks to me. I honestly don’t know what to do and neither does he. I asked him what he wanted. If he wanted to continue. He said he would love to but he didn’t know what to do.

He told me to think about it. I don’t know what to do either. I just want to fucking die. I make him miserable often. I can’t help but feel he would be happier with someone else.

Correction does much, but encouragement does more.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (via dancing-dragonfly)

expeditionhappiness:

Just a reminder that while positivity is a great tool it is not healthy to:

  • repress negative thoughts/feelings 
  • feel guilty for having negative thoughts/feelings
  • feel that you can’t express negative thoughts/feelings 

Negative emotions are a part of life, and a truly balanced cognitive strategy will accept this (while working to change the balance of good to bad and teaching you coping strategies/self care/distraction etc)