I was on my way to class when the person on the freeway in front of me jammed on his breaks. I then jammed on my breaks, but it was wet so I lost control of my car. I veered onto the shoulder and swerved to miss the barrier/wall. Everything was in slow motion and I saw the wall rushing toward my door and I thought that my life was over. I was going to die. I ended up hitting the side of my bumper though and the airbags didn’t even go off. I wasn’t hurt. I was extremely lucky. The crazy thing was that I ended up doing a 180. I was on the shoulder, but FACING THE WRONG WAY. So I had to call AAA. They were there in 10 minutes. I kind of freaked out when they came because I kept beating myself up about what a bad driver I was and how I damaged my car YET AGAIN because of how much I sucked. I felt like going home and hurting myself or drinking to punish myself. After talking to my therapist later, she gave me credit for not doing it, but I honestly cannot take credit for not punishing myself. The urge was there. Honestly, the only reason I think I didn’t do it was not because I used skills, but because I happened to not be within reach of a blade. Once I got home, I was SLIGHTLY calmed down where I could be enough in wise mind to not self-harm.
Maybe it’s good either way. But I honestly don’t think it’s much of an accomplishment. What I WILL take credit for is that I went straight to take a hot bath after the whole ordeal. That calmed me down a lot. Rather, it made me numb. I didn’t feel happy. I didn’t feel anything. Glum, maybe.
Come to think of it, maybe I should take credit for not self-harming…a little. I remember picturing doing it once and Jeff really being upset because he “thought I was past that,” and that I was “going backwards.” I didn’t want to have that conversation with him ever again.
Whatever. I didn’t self-harm. Yay. Everyone’s happy.
I have to thank Jeff for being there for me. He was the first person I called right after I crashed. I was really shaken and didn’t know what to do. He was the one who told me to call AAA. I had a half a mind to try to pull out onto the damn freeway and do some sort of “retarded U-turn” that would no doubt have gotten me killed. I wasn’t thinking clearly. The AAA guy was so sweet. He said that the best part was that I wasn’t hurt. He’s right. A car, as much as I love it, is just a car. I am so lucky I wasn’t hurt…or that I didn’t hit or hurt anyone else.
Of course, I’m scared to drive again. I already thought my driving skills sucked and this confirmed it. I know I’m judging but it’s also true. I AM A SHITTY DRIVER. Jeff is coming over tomorrow and is going to try to make me drive around so I can “get back on the horse.” I just don’t know if I can.
My first ever “Mindfulness Moment.” This is an activity I have decided to do every day—just for a little bit to maintain my mind so it is in Wise Mind. This time I got to color a mandala with my new twistable crayons! I got Staples rip-off of Crayola, but they have SO many more colors!
Mindfulness Moment—I have decided that from now on, every day, I shall have a few moments of a mindful activity. My favorite one at this point is listening to Brian Eno and coloring.
I had noticed recently that I had gotten into the habit of slumping a little bit. So I gave myself a major massage on my back and neck, loosened up a bunch of muscles, and am sitting/standing much straighter now. I got my good posture back. I accidentally performed a social experiment though.
People judge you a lot by how you carry yourself. My mother always said that how you carry yourself sends a message to other people how you feel about yourself. That then, in turn affects how people feel about you. Case and point, for the longest freaking time, I could not work out why today, people were being extra nice and friendly. I even got asked out on a date. Now there is NO OTHER REASON for all these things to happen—being asked out, people going out of their way to talk and be friendly toward me—except the only thing that has changed, and that’s my posture. I dressed the same, was just a polite and friendly, etc. I’ve heard that having a good posture can project confidence, but I had no idea just how much. I guess I was just startled by how eager people seemed to interact with me. It was the strangest thing.
The beautiful thing about setbacks is that they introduce us to our strengths.
When I am really dysregulated, I try and do grounding exercises. They are normally used for people with PTSD who are having a flashback. However, they work just as well if you are having a panic attack or are just really dysregulated like I get sometimes.
Jeff is upset with me AGAIN. It’s like he gets upset with me every time we see each other. It always has to be something about me that annoys him or upsets him. I don’t know if this is the depression, but it’s getting old. This time, he got upset with me for not being organized and not being able to find something instantly when he asked for it. He was very patronizing. I know he was trying to tell me how frustrated he was and I sympathize with him for that. But it’s really getting to be like, “Can we have ONE nice visit without upsetting him?” Right now, I’m trying not to hold onto my anger and resentment (which I fear is coming back because I’m getting defensive). I know the lure of it. It makes me feel powerful. But I know now that if I hold onto that, it’s going to damage our relationship…and I don’t want to do that. I just wish I didn’t do things to upset him so much. I’m just being me. I try and modify my behavior and some things I have successfully modified. I HAVE been being neater overall. While he has said he appreciates this in the past, now, he says I’m “not trying.” Which really made me angry.
Whatever. I just need to shake it off and let it go. I can feel my feelings. They are there. But what I really need to do is let it go.